Paradigms of a Societal Wasteland

Troubles

2011-01-13T00:48:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, you just don't know what you're getting into until its gone. Call it what you might, but a little child's enthusiasm is probably too much to handle.

Let me give you a little example: (these are all throughout my life)
I remember that one time I saw in a FutureShop flyer that a computer deal was great, this was way back when FS was still on Alderbridge and 3 Rd. I was 10 and I had no idea what composed a good computer, but I went ahead and pleaded to my mom to get it. She agreed, but just before she was about to pay for it, I got cold feet and my heart pounded and I couldn't breathe properly. I was scared that I was going to regret the decision.

Another instance was when I was fooling around with my laptop which I got fairly new, trying to improve the graphics card. I installed the new driver and it really messed up my computer. It just didn't work properly, nothing else was having a problem. Of course, I didn't know that and I had a lab report due the next day. Same thing happened.

This time, I was venturing into uncharted waters. It was the first few months of my new relationship with a girl I really love, and we were fooling around in her bedroom. I knew it was dipping into sin and temptation to begin with, but I went against it anyway. In the end, before things ended I ended up masturbating her. It felt great at first, but ever since then, there's been a void in our relationship...to me, it seems like Jesus is telling me that love has to be fostered in a pure environment. I remember reading that having sex pre-marriage ruins it, destroys the love that grows within the relationship, and although I know that we shouldn't have sex, I thought to myself that we could just fool around. I know now that's not true.

In the same token, having just done that one small act, something that I've done shamefully countless number of times, I've damaged the fragile, growing relationship that we had. And I didn't know it until tonight, when I realized that the void I've been feeling has to do with that. I should not have lied with her, I should not have taken her clothes off. And all I have to show for it is remorse. I hope I can mend this problem together and through prayer.

I feel a bit better that I've written this down and talked about it, but nonetheless I feel bad. She treats me so well that in my stupid selfishness, I've failed to take into her account what she wants. I've failed as a boyfriend in this regard. What I want in this relationship extends beyond what I feel is within the realm of just boyfriend/girlfriend. I want this relationship to last. And though I've heard that the fourth month is the "deathtrap," I really hope that we can last long. I do not want to get hurt again, though I cannot say that the relationship has been smooth sailing thus far. I must pray for this.

How do YOU fit in?

2010-07-19T23:26:00.000-07:00

How easy is it to assimilate someone into your normal group of friends? Immensely difficult. And who would want to reaccept someone whom they have rejected? If its anything, its that my life is becoming more difficult. I feel less and less part of a group of friends and more of a misfit than anything else.

04/10/10. I am now a full Catholic. Praise God!

2010-04-10T00:02:00.000-07:00

Forgot to update for a while. So I am now Baptized and Confirmed. I have received the Eucharist. I am officially a Catholic. Honestly it feels really great. I can't remember the last time I had such joy to have faith in something. It's really changed my life.

On the other hand, I'm also sad that other people don't have the same faith. But I'm sure God has a plan for them. Life is still equally indifferent in other ways. I've still got my struggles, but I've added new friends from Church and joined the Youth Group, Youth Choir, and WCCCLC Promotion Team. I really know where God is leading me. I'm not going to say I'm not afraid, but I know that He won't lead me wrong. I feel right.

Thanks be to You, Lord, for hearing my prayers and answering them even when the only thing I believed in was You. Moreover, I'm glad I got to know You now, and for You to have fostered the thirst to know and love You as Your Son has shown all of us. I am humbled to be Your servant. Please use me to reach out to those who need Your love and help.

Sigh, finals. Just about that time again. Time to sign off and get some rest. I am tired..

Prayer in the face of temptation from the Devil.

2010-03-03T23:33:00.000-08:00

I'll keep this short. There's no easy way to say this. As a committed unbaptized Catholic, I find myself often second guessing myself-always the voice in the back of my mind saying, "Don't become Catholic, you'll only be chained down in life." "Enjoy life to its fullest!" "You're sinning anyway, it's not going to stop after you are washed of your sins!"

I am clear minded and rooted in my faith enough to know this to be temptation. However, as I have learned, there is no worse than to hide, to feign strength for others. To do this is to be proud. Thus is the reason I am writing this. I know that at this critical time in my life, in the season of Lent, where I have fallen to sin so many times already, I am being tempted to bug out. To quit, so that I might be another soul to collect in Hell. Well...there is no question about how afraid I am. Of everything. And I am tempted. And recently my sins have really severed me with God. And I know that's Satan's passage to me, without a doubt. There's no question I'm weak, and there's no question there's doubt in my mind. But I write this in the hope that to admit myself freely, I won't be alone in facing this tribulation. I know that my true place is with God and while I know that sinning makes Him sad, this little admittance of my faults and fears will remove my doubts and replace it with hope. Hope to continue in my preparation.

So to the Devil, I say, you may tempt me and I may fall sometimes, but in the end, I know that God's glory will destroy you. I refuse to submit to you.

My Lord God, dear Jesus, may I commit myself, my body and soul to you, may everything I do be in your Holy name and glory. I am wholly sorry for my shortcomings, my faults and falls to temptation. May I ask for Your blessings and may I ask to have all doubt removed from my mind as I near the end of this short journey in the start of the journey of my new life.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is on Heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass upon us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from Evil.
Amen

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Holy Mary, ever virgin, may I ask for your intercessions, pray on my behalf to your Son Jesus, my Lord for His blessings and His protection.

St. Joseph, pray for me, for the sanctity of purity.
St. Benedict, pray for me, for the purity of soul, for the protection from demons within me, and for my actions to be not in evil, but for the glory of God.

Nov. 15

2009-11-15T01:53:00.000-08:00

Sorry, but I've been too busy to update.

Lately, I have been between depressive moods, school, and lab reports. Life is very difficult right now. But where it is difficult, I've been growing spiritually. I'm still quite weak and susceptible to my bad habits, but I know that I trust God that He will bring me out of it. Or that He will give me the strength to overcome it.

Still have trouble sleeping. And...I know so many people tell me not to worry about my school, but I still do worry. But I have my ways. Gotta be careful though.

At least my pharmacology midterm went well.

Sometimes things we do don't always go as planned.

Surrounded by darkness I hear
The only dissonant words
I know they will make me tear.

These sounds form chords
Far a two year ago.

Now I weep silently alone
Only to realize...No...
She's gone, lone.

Why must I live so?
The one love I had

Lost, loved I did,
With all my heart.
Broken I live on, rid
Of the one who loved;
Who I was died that night.

Shelled, pained, emptiness, emotionless
Feelings are but of sorrow.
I can only have a guess
What to suppress
It's only less

Than my mind's mental low.

This poem really sucks. My mind is high but I can't do anything about it.

Notes

2009-09-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

Hmm, seems there's a sliver of hope for humanity-a white boy (age roughly 14-15?) who doesn't act out and is nice. Kudos to the kid from VC on the 480 who seems to have an idea of morality. Not like the other guys.

Lots of pretty high school girls on the C-Line from LFA. Why I take a fancy to them, I don't know.

A rage dump, some new info.

2009-09-15T20:32:00.001-07:00

I am officially sick. No fun. But further to my woes, V decided it was fun to call me unreliable. The hell I am reliable! I just don't want to have shit to do with breakdancing or popping classes, whatever the fuck they are. Does it LOOK like I want to deal with people having seizures on the ground? If anything, have I not come across as a modest person? People doing this shit not only offends me, but makes me feel our generation as more degenerate. But that's inevitable. I hate this shit. Why can't we deal with traditional forms of dancing, which have prevailed for centuries? Not enough? My ass. If it was as if our world isn't degenerate enough. Our music is shitty, what with all this false proclamation for love...whatever. I don't give a shit if Taylor Swift sings well, whatever she sings is bullshit. Fuck that. I'll stay with my classical music. The best music ever. And songs that don't talk about love and shit every other word. At least the stuff I do listen to has meaning greater than the whole. And that's saying something.

Anyway, unreliability. Definition: noun, for how well an object, person, or likewise can be depended on to do certain tasks.
Example: The assault rifle is prone to overheating, thus its reliability in the field is in question.
Example: The person is almost constantly late, her boss is now questioning her reliability as an employee

Note: NOT: Jim was absent for class once, and therefore his buddy considered him reliable.

Remember children, that reliability is established over a course of many events. It takes more than one event to deem someone/something unreliable.

Now then, do the math: am I unreliable? I haven't failed to do stuff, and am quite punctual. Now if we're dealing with shit I don't want to do, why should I do it? I'm putting myself under stress to stand there and watch blasphemy. And I have had a headache. Must separate more codeine. Fun. I like addictions. And I'm sick. BULLSHIT.

Off this topic: I'm about to ask for Age Verification from ASC to get access to the classifieds, hopefully then I will be able to buy a full steel M4A1 with some batteries. If I'm lucky, maybe even an HK416 with batteries. If nothing really shows up, I'll be spending the money to buy the M4 RIS from Mach 1 Airsoft. Even better, my verifier Julian has offered to drive me to a game this/next Sunday, let's see if my mom will let me go.

Friendship

2009-09-02T01:35:00.000-07:00

So here we are, a new post after a long while of silence. I apologize. With several events going on, I haven't really had time to post. But recently, several things have opened my eyes to the real world around me. It would seem that I'm recently surrounded by things I haven't been able to see. It would appear that the people around me are disappearing. What was once a wholesome group of friendly individuals gathered together to have fun and play now are people who no longer value friendship enough to make time for each other. There are those who are still willing to put it out there for others, but it would seem many of us are now extinct to those who still wish to have it the old way. Nonetheless, it is difficult to move on now that the present is upon us. I only wish that those affected and myself can find some new people to call friends. Because it is ourselves that are hurt. And only we know how difficult it is to realize that loneliness only takes one to manifest. If I didn't have the experience of having lost friends, I too would have difficulty accepting the situation. But the one I care about the most is the one hurting the most, and my feelings towards this person are one of caring and nurturing, perhaps willing for more than simple friendship. But this person isn't willing to carry on more than friendship regardless of how good my intentions are. I shall cherish what we have, as I always have. In friendship, the only gain is everything, the loss, only what you can't have. I wish not for a companion, but for lasting friendship. And right now, that is what is fading. And I lament it for the world and for those who having just two years ago, would have called me friend. They are the ones who lost the most, for they know not what they lost.

CWE Trial 2 Results.

2009-08-15T03:41:00.000-07:00

Further to my first post regarding CWE, I've upped the starting materials (SM) to 250 ct T1, as well as using Chromic's CWE and removal of caffeine. Methodology is the same as before, except further refining of extract included heating roughly 500mL extract to boiling temperature to super-saturate the resulting solution at roughly 150mL mark and cooling to precipitate and recover caffeine as crystals. Bottle used revealed a nice crust of what appears to be caffeine on the bottom. Chromic describes further reducing the solution to 50mL and recrystallizing the remaining caffeine to nearly 85% removal however this author is worries about decomposition and did not do this. Trial included reduction of extract to 50mL however recrystallization was not achieved due to browning of the solution. Solution after 50mL reduction visually resembled that of very very light tea, however it was still visible. Research indicates this colouration is due to the Acetaminophen or binders, however, this author cannot confirm. Solution diluted to 200mL to obtain a maximum of 10mg/mL, however this author expects far less due to losses and decomposition. Unfortunately due to lack of foresight, this author as usual took 2 Actifed Cold/Allergy for sleep which masks any favorable effect the extract has. However, effects do seem to be appearing at the moment, as some dry mouth is indeed forming. Visibility is not impaired, however, with the pseudoephedrine dose, it is difficult to tell. It does seem that the extract has some effect, however to whatever degree it is difficult to tell.
The extract does indeed taste similarly to the extract obtained previously in the 100 ct extraction, however appears to be purer in clarity. Initial procedural experimentation indicates clarity is due in part to filter strength (this author used several generic grade coffee filters this time for filtration, it is unknown as to whether or not this caused the colouration of final product) as well as amount of caffeine dissolved in the product. It appears that the caffeine precipitated out of solution indeed makes the product far clearer than no caffeine treatment. Further plans to extract with same grade filters as well as lab grade filters are planned.
Concern over the colouration was of surprise, as the colour was certainly not expected, it will be interesting to see what the colouration can be due to, and for this purpose, this author will use 222 (acetylsalicylate, caffeine, codeine) as a comparison using the same method as to see where the colouration is coming from. Research does indicate that boiling the extract to powder does leave brown coloured powder, however, it is not known where the colouration comes from. Reports from other experiments indicates that no colouration exists from using Ibuprofen or Acetylsalicylic Acid preparations. These reports utilize simple CWE with no treatment for caffeine. Initial hypotheses could be that the colouration is due to decomposition of Acetaminophen or codeine or side reactions of the codeine with the acetaminophen. It is not expected that the caffeine has any side reactions as it is resilient. Side reactions might be due to the free hydroxyl group of the codeine at the 6 position of the morphinan attacking via nucleophillic attack to the amide bond of the acetaminophen, causing release of the free p-hydroxyaniline and acetic ester bonded to the 6 position of codeine. This author doubts that this reaction occurs due to the strength of the amide bond.
Brown colouration will be observed for increase in intensity over the period of 24 hours. If the colouration does not increase, it should prove that the colouration does not have anything to do with amounts of solutes present given no treatment. If colouration does intensify, it could signify active decomposition by metabolites or biologicals. If indeed the latter, treating caffeine by heating would be fruitless if contaminated by biologicals that could harm the host.
It is noted that within the roughly 30 minutes to this point from the last mentioned effect felt by this author, the feeling has decreased quite significantly, however, it is impossible to determine the reason for change. However, this author has been prescribed Co-Actifed and the initial feeling is indeed the same. Impossibility to determine exact amounts of codeine content renders the ability to establish a relative response based on relative codeine dosages impossible. If, however, assuming no loss and exact stoichiometric amounts of codeine in the extract, that being 10mg/mL, the amount would be roughly 250mg codeine versus a roughly 20-25mg dosage, a 10 times increase yields roughly the same feeling. It should be noted, however, that triprolidine is absent in the variant of Actifed this author ingested.

In the conclusion of the trial of Chromic's caffeine removal treatment, the following can be confirmed :

Indeed quite a significant amount of caffeine crystals have been removed, however, due to lack of materials, a mass was not obtained.

Codeine was indeed present in the purified extract, however, how much loss due to heat decomposition cannot be verified. It might be interesting to run a gas chromatograph to obtain relative amounts.

Brown colouration in the final extract was observed, however, the source of such discolouration is deviant of the expected colourless extract. Reports do show brown colouration but do not indicate intensity. It is not known the source of such colouration

Follow up experiments are planned: Extraction and caffeine removal technique using Aspirin as source painkiller to determine if acetaminophen is the source of brown colouration, extraction and caffeine removal by Activated Carbon to determine relative effectiveness of caffeine removal and removal of any desired product if present, and possible use of Gas Chromatograph to establish presence and relative amounts of substances in final extract in both non-caffeine treated and caffeine treated solutions.

At this point in time, this author expects that if codeine was present in substantial amounts in the 30-60mg range (due to high heating levels, 250mg is highly unlikely), constipation and dry mouth are expected. As of now, dry mouth is experienced that cannot be attributed to the pseudoephedrine present in Actifed.

Solitary Confinement of the Self.

2009-08-04T16:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's wrong with me these few days. Feeling somewhat incompetent, like two Saturdays ago at the pharmacy when E. decided to try and curb my "mistakes." Perhaps its my hormonal imbalance. Is it just my immaturity? A desperate cry for attention that is making me act out? I can't understand. I feel so much in my heart, yet I can't understand what it is. Tell me, God, what is it that I'm feeling? Why can I not feel right? Is it something to be wished for and hoped for, never to be obtained? Or is there something truly abnormal about me? Could it be that I'm just a needy person feeling really alone? Alone. That word alone stings my heart. I've failed to get anybody to like me, and even now, the prospect of being alone strikes fear into me. I've succeeded in so many ways, but failed in so many others. Why can't I understand myself? I peer into myself and all I see is a child-alone and sad, but myself. Is this who I am? I know not why God made me so, only that I know He made me like this for a purpose. Who am I to understand the reason for who I am, for the injustices I've done to Him? I suppose the only consolation I have is that He's out there, leading me on. I have trust in Him, but the trust seems to be wavering. Why would I feel so lost amidst a time of good? Or is this meant to be? Lately I've felt incompetent, incomplete, alone, a nuisance to others. Would it simply be that I'm just not cut out and meant for the world? I've done so much wrong, I can't seem to find a right. And I'm so sorry for it. Please forgive me, everybody. Most of all, let me forgive myself. I can't find myself right now.

Codeine Phosphate Cold Water Extraction Results

2009-07-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

So today, I had the chance (due to the extremely hot weather I stayed home) to try my codeine extraction for the first time.

General overall theory and procedure:
Tylenol 1 tablets contain 325mg Acetaminophen (analgesic), 8mg Codeine Phosphate (narcotic analgesic), and 15mg Caffeine (diuretic, mixed in for legality issues). The solubility according to a drug information page is 1g/20mL, 4g/mL, and 1g/1.5mL (in boiling, cold, and boiling water), respectively. Since we desire a larger amount of codeine without the liver problem causing acetaminophen, we can utilize the differences in solubility to extract the codeine.

1. Crush desired number of tablets.
2. Add an amount of hot water equivalent to 2 times the number of tablets.
3. Stir to dissolve
4. Place in refridgerator, cool.
5. Decant into a funnel with a filter paper wetted with cold water.
6. Let drip into extraction container of choice (I used a water bottle).
7. Repeat if desired with sludge.
8. (Optional) Chromic has designed a method to remove a large amount of the caffeine remaining in the solution by supersaturating the codeine/caffeine solution. As the solubilities of codeine and caffeine are nearly similar, by supersaturation, followed by cooling, the caffeine will precipitate out of solution faster than the codeine will. Gravity filtration can remove the caffeine crystals. This method is a bit time consuming. Another option will to find a way to use alcohol to remove the caffeine.
I know that pure ethanol IS obtainable, but only by licensed pharmacists. The question is whether or not 85% Bacardi 151 is useful. with the 15% water in it, I expect losses of codeine in doing a reverse extraction, but the initial codeine/caffeine filtrate would have to be reduced to a powder first. I don't know how isopropanol would work, but its 99%, which is better than 85% ethanol, but the dangers of not being able to rinse it entirely clean scares me.

Experimental Design:
1. Follow acetaminophen extraction as above.
2. Reduce codeine phosphate/caffeine solution to powder by gentle heating.
3. Dissolve into cold 85% ethanol. Swirl quickly to prevent losses. Ethanol should now contain a majority of the caffeine.
4. Gravity filter the solution.
5. Gentle heating the resulting filtrate should result in most of the ethanol evaporating and yielding codeine phosphate powder. Dissolve to water.

By calcuation, if we start with a 200 ct of tablets, 8mg codeine phosphate per tablet and 15mg caffeine, assuming perfect retention during the acetaminophen extraction into 400ml of water, we expect to have a solution of 1600mg codeine with 3000mg of caffeine into 400ml of water.
By reading the solubility above, the 1g/66ml solubility yields exactly 198ml of 100% ethanol for dissolution of caffeine. Factoring in the 85% ethanol solution, we get 233ml of 85% ethanol required for the dissolution of 3g caffeine. But we need to account for the 15%vw of water. In 233ml of 85% ethanol, there will be 35ml of water. The solubility of caffeine in water is 1g/46ml, so we expect roughly 0.76g of caffeine to dissolve into the water portion.
Codeine also has a slight solubility in alcohol, 30mg/10ml. But that's too small, so we have to consider the removal of codeine into the water portion. 4g/ml is the solubility of codeine in water, thusly 35ml of water will remove quite a bit of codeine, up to 140g. We must find a minimum amount of water in ethanol that will allow us to remove the caffeine while also removing the minimal amount of desired product.

At that moment, it appears that alcohol extraction of caffeine seems unpractical due to the unavailability of anhydrous alcohol. The procedure involving supersaturation is undoubtedly the most useful for caffeine reduction at the moment.

Hello to my new blog.

2009-07-20T22:28:00.001-07:00

Hello all who may read this, this will be my personal blog whereby I record my thoughts, my dreams, my problems and so forth. Feel free to comment and to leave your name. No matter what the subject matter is, please note that this blog is personal in nature and nothing will be judgemental. There will be no hate racism, nothing illegal, and nothing that will personally offend anybody.

That being said, I feel inclined to explain my use of theme. I knew right away that this being a personal blog many of my posts would be those of not simply personal nature, but those written in a depressed state of mind. I felt it fitting to find a theme that was dark or blackened in its nature. However, I came to realize I would also be typing some of my activities and so-called "journal" entries which may or may not be of the same nature. Thusly I decided upon a monochrome theme. The use of bamboo forest seems to be haphazard choosing (seeing that they don't have something else of forest), but I came to think that not only is bamboo a symbol of my cultural heritage (myself being Chinese), but the fact that the bamboo is a rare plant symbolizes and reflects the rarity of my thoughts. The forest icon is symbolic of a maze or perhaps a difficult path to walk through, reflecting the harmony of the often concerned nature and the personal affliction of what I see and think about in our world.

Now this may seem as if I'm saying all my posts will be of that nature, and I can say that many of them will be, but many of them won't. Should you feel that you do not want to read them, then don't read them. However, it would be greatly appreciated that if you find something offensive, let me know as a comment and I shall kindly remove the offensive material. Between sensible people in insensible indecent times, I kindly ask that you do not post comments that are offensive in return or personally insulting my work or thoughts or others.

With that, I conclude the first post of my personal blog.