Troubles

Sometimes, you just don't know what you're getting into until its gone. Call it what you might, but a little child's enthusiasm is probably too much to handle.

Let me give you a little example: (these are all throughout my life)
I remember that one time I saw in a FutureShop flyer that a computer deal was great, this was way back when FS was still on Alderbridge and 3 Rd. I was 10 and I had no idea what composed a good computer, but I went ahead and pleaded to my mom to get it. She agreed, but just before she was about to pay for it, I got cold feet and my heart pounded and I couldn't breathe properly. I was scared that I was going to regret the decision.

Another instance was when I was fooling around with my laptop which I got fairly new, trying to improve the graphics card. I installed the new driver and it really messed up my computer. It just didn't work properly, nothing else was having a problem. Of course, I didn't know that and I had a lab report due the next day. Same thing happened.

This time, I was venturing into uncharted waters. It was the first few months of my new relationship with a girl I really love, and we were fooling around in her bedroom. I knew it was dipping into sin and temptation to begin with, but I went against it anyway. In the end, before things ended I ended up masturbating her. It felt great at first, but ever since then, there's been a void in our relationship...to me, it seems like Jesus is telling me that love has to be fostered in a pure environment. I remember reading that having sex pre-marriage ruins it, destroys the love that grows within the relationship, and although I know that we shouldn't have sex, I thought to myself that we could just fool around. I know now that's not true.

In the same token, having just done that one small act, something that I've done shamefully countless number of times, I've damaged the fragile, growing relationship that we had. And I didn't know it until tonight, when I realized that the void I've been feeling has to do with that. I should not have lied with her, I should not have taken her clothes off. And all I have to show for it is remorse. I hope I can mend this problem together and through prayer.

I feel a bit better that I've written this down and talked about it, but nonetheless I feel bad. She treats me so well that in my stupid selfishness, I've failed to take into her account what she wants. I've failed as a boyfriend in this regard. What I want in this relationship extends beyond what I feel is within the realm of just boyfriend/girlfriend. I want this relationship to last. And though I've heard that the fourth month is the "deathtrap," I really hope that we can last long. I do not want to get hurt again, though I cannot say that the relationship has been smooth sailing thus far. I must pray for this.