Troubles

Sometimes, you just don't know what you're getting into until its gone. Call it what you might, but a little child's enthusiasm is probably too much to handle.

Let me give you a little example: (these are all throughout my life)
I remember that one time I saw in a FutureShop flyer that a computer deal was great, this was way back when FS was still on Alderbridge and 3 Rd. I was 10 and I had no idea what composed a good computer, but I went ahead and pleaded to my mom to get it. She agreed, but just before she was about to pay for it, I got cold feet and my heart pounded and I couldn't breathe properly. I was scared that I was going to regret the decision.

Another instance was when I was fooling around with my laptop which I got fairly new, trying to improve the graphics card. I installed the new driver and it really messed up my computer. It just didn't work properly, nothing else was having a problem. Of course, I didn't know that and I had a lab report due the next day. Same thing happened.

This time, I was venturing into uncharted waters. It was the first few months of my new relationship with a girl I really love, and we were fooling around in her bedroom. I knew it was dipping into sin and temptation to begin with, but I went against it anyway. In the end, before things ended I ended up masturbating her. It felt great at first, but ever since then, there's been a void in our relationship...to me, it seems like Jesus is telling me that love has to be fostered in a pure environment. I remember reading that having sex pre-marriage ruins it, destroys the love that grows within the relationship, and although I know that we shouldn't have sex, I thought to myself that we could just fool around. I know now that's not true.

In the same token, having just done that one small act, something that I've done shamefully countless number of times, I've damaged the fragile, growing relationship that we had. And I didn't know it until tonight, when I realized that the void I've been feeling has to do with that. I should not have lied with her, I should not have taken her clothes off. And all I have to show for it is remorse. I hope I can mend this problem together and through prayer.

I feel a bit better that I've written this down and talked about it, but nonetheless I feel bad. She treats me so well that in my stupid selfishness, I've failed to take into her account what she wants. I've failed as a boyfriend in this regard. What I want in this relationship extends beyond what I feel is within the realm of just boyfriend/girlfriend. I want this relationship to last. And though I've heard that the fourth month is the "deathtrap," I really hope that we can last long. I do not want to get hurt again, though I cannot say that the relationship has been smooth sailing thus far. I must pray for this.

How do YOU fit in?

How easy is it to assimilate someone into your normal group of friends? Immensely difficult. And who would want to reaccept someone whom they have rejected? If its anything, its that my life is becoming more difficult. I feel less and less part of a group of friends and more of a misfit than anything else.

04/10/10. I am now a full Catholic. Praise God!

Forgot to update for a while. So I am now Baptized and Confirmed. I have received the Eucharist. I am officially a Catholic. Honestly it feels really great. I can't remember the last time I had such joy to have faith in something. It's really changed my life.

On the other hand, I'm also sad that other people don't have the same faith. But I'm sure God has a plan for them. Life is still equally indifferent in other ways. I've still got my struggles, but I've added new friends from Church and joined the Youth Group, Youth Choir, and WCCCLC Promotion Team. I really know where God is leading me. I'm not going to say I'm not afraid, but I know that He won't lead me wrong. I feel right.

Thanks be to You, Lord, for hearing my prayers and answering them even when the only thing I believed in was You. Moreover, I'm glad I got to know You now, and for You to have fostered the thirst to know and love You as Your Son has shown all of us. I am humbled to be Your servant. Please use me to reach out to those who need Your love and help.

Sigh, finals. Just about that time again. Time to sign off and get some rest. I am tired..

Prayer in the face of temptation from the Devil.

I'll keep this short. There's no easy way to say this. As a committed unbaptized Catholic, I find myself often second guessing myself-always the voice in the back of my mind saying, "Don't become Catholic, you'll only be chained down in life." "Enjoy life to its fullest!" "You're sinning anyway, it's not going to stop after you are washed of your sins!"

I am clear minded and rooted in my faith enough to know this to be temptation. However, as I have learned, there is no worse than to hide, to feign strength for others. To do this is to be proud. Thus is the reason I am writing this. I know that at this critical time in my life, in the season of Lent, where I have fallen to sin so many times already, I am being tempted to bug out. To quit, so that I might be another soul to collect in Hell. Well...there is no question about how afraid I am. Of everything. And I am tempted. And recently my sins have really severed me with God. And I know that's Satan's passage to me, without a doubt. There's no question I'm weak, and there's no question there's doubt in my mind. But I write this in the hope that to admit myself freely, I won't be alone in facing this tribulation. I know that my true place is with God and while I know that sinning makes Him sad, this little admittance of my faults and fears will remove my doubts and replace it with hope. Hope to continue in my preparation.

So to the Devil, I say, you may tempt me and I may fall sometimes, but in the end, I know that God's glory will destroy you. I refuse to submit to you.

My Lord God, dear Jesus, may I commit myself, my body and soul to you, may everything I do be in your Holy name and glory. I am wholly sorry for my shortcomings, my faults and falls to temptation. May I ask for Your blessings and may I ask to have all doubt removed from my mind as I near the end of this short journey in the start of the journey of my new life.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is on Heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass upon us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from Evil.
Amen

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.


Holy Mary, ever virgin, may I ask for your intercessions, pray on my behalf to your Son Jesus, my Lord for His blessings and His protection.

St. Joseph, pray for me, for the sanctity of purity.
St. Benedict, pray for me, for the purity of soul, for the protection from demons within me, and for my actions to be not in evil, but for the glory of God.

Nov. 15

Sorry, but I've been too busy to update.

Lately, I have been between depressive moods, school, and lab reports. Life is very difficult right now. But where it is difficult, I've been growing spiritually. I'm still quite weak and susceptible to my bad habits, but I know that I trust God that He will bring me out of it. Or that He will give me the strength to overcome it.

Still have trouble sleeping. And...I know so many people tell me not to worry about my school, but I still do worry. But I have my ways. Gotta be careful though.

At least my pharmacology midterm went well.

Sometimes things we do don't always go as planned.

Surrounded by darkness I hear
The only dissonant words
I know they will make me tear.

These sounds form chords
Far a two year ago.

Now I weep silently alone
Only to realize...No...
She's gone, lone.

Why must I live so?
The one love I had

Lost, loved I did,
With all my heart.
Broken I live on, rid
Of the one who loved;
Who I was died that night.

Shelled, pained, emptiness, emotionless
Feelings are but of sorrow.
I can only have a guess
What to suppress
It's only less

Than my mind's mental low.

This poem really sucks. My mind is high but I can't do anything about it.

Notes

Hmm, seems there's a sliver of hope for humanity-a white boy (age roughly 14-15?) who doesn't act out and is nice. Kudos to the kid from VC on the 480 who seems to have an idea of morality. Not like the other guys.

Lots of pretty high school girls on the C-Line from LFA. Why I take a fancy to them, I don't know.

A rage dump, some new info.

I am officially sick. No fun. But further to my woes, V decided it was fun to call me unreliable. The hell I am reliable! I just don't want to have shit to do with breakdancing or popping classes, whatever the fuck they are. Does it LOOK like I want to deal with people having seizures on the ground? If anything, have I not come across as a modest person? People doing this shit not only offends me, but makes me feel our generation as more degenerate. But that's inevitable. I hate this shit. Why can't we deal with traditional forms of dancing, which have prevailed for centuries? Not enough? My ass. If it was as if our world isn't degenerate enough. Our music is shitty, what with all this false proclamation for love...whatever. I don't give a shit if Taylor Swift sings well, whatever she sings is bullshit. Fuck that. I'll stay with my classical music. The best music ever. And songs that don't talk about love and shit every other word. At least the stuff I do listen to has meaning greater than the whole. And that's saying something.

Anyway, unreliability. Definition: noun, for how well an object, person, or likewise can be depended on to do certain tasks.
Example: The assault rifle is prone to overheating, thus its reliability in the field is in question.
Example: The person is almost constantly late, her boss is now questioning her reliability as an employee

Note: NOT: Jim was absent for class once, and therefore his buddy considered him reliable.

Remember children, that reliability is established over a course of many events. It takes more than one event to deem someone/something unreliable.

Now then, do the math: am I unreliable? I haven't failed to do stuff, and am quite punctual. Now if we're dealing with shit I don't want to do, why should I do it? I'm putting myself under stress to stand there and watch blasphemy. And I have had a headache. Must separate more codeine. Fun. I like addictions. And I'm sick. BULLSHIT.

Off this topic: I'm about to ask for Age Verification from ASC to get access to the classifieds, hopefully then I will be able to buy a full steel M4A1 with some batteries. If I'm lucky, maybe even an HK416 with batteries. If nothing really shows up, I'll be spending the money to buy the M4 RIS from Mach 1 Airsoft. Even better, my verifier Julian has offered to drive me to a game this/next Sunday, let's see if my mom will let me go.